Reasons Why I’m Single

BY COURTNEY FRY 

It took me a while to think of something to be my grand entrance into the bull’s pen here at BULLSH!T, until it dawned on me, drunkenly, as I had my hand smooshed into a stale plate of vegemite toast. It’s something that I mentally document every day, a topic that is so lively and creative and downright hilarious that I just couldn’t do away with it as a perfect opening article.

Hello, I am the second editor, Courtney, and these are the reasons why I am single.

Now, let’s backtrack a little. The documenting of reasons why I’m single began a few years ago with a dear friend of mine, while we were trying to figure out why I never received much male attention as an angsty teenager. Sure, it may have had something to do with the fact that my heart was fully devoted to marrying the lead singer of Simple Plan, but our young minds knew that there were extra add-ons that must help with my seemingly-perpetual forever alone-ness.

Sadly, we actually came up with a fair few reasons, but after being in my first major relationship (!!!) with a real boy who totally wasn’t fictonal, I have forgotten a lot of these gems.

Though, since breaking up with said non-fictional, 100% real boy who was definitely not fake, the list – which has now become a hashtag I use on the regular – has been rebirthed. Thrust out into the blinding limelight that is my renewed single life, with additions coming mostly from total life fails and many nights out on the town and the sauce.

First and foremost, there is the beauty of double-dinners. I’m talking eating dinner once, and then eating another later on. 100% smash a solid meat & two veg meal and then go back for a bowl of noodles. Totally unappealing, though I hear some guys like a gal who can eat them under the table in more ways than one.

Then there’s some of the incredibly lame actions I make in my everyday life. Adding dance moves to sentences for emphasis, always, always answering the phone with a ridiculous voice (which I do unintentionally now), sending terrible selfies to friends on the internet, not very discreetly picking noses and unpicking wedgies, singing loudly and terribly, replacing words with vulgar rhymes, totally ignoring the five-second rule, and generally making an arse of myself in public. I know a lot of people identify themselves in Jess from New Girl, but sometimes I worry that the show’s writers are secretly spying on me for those self-embarrassing moments of pure comedy gold.

An absolute standout story that I will likely never live down happened a couple of years ago, at a local club, at I-don’t-even-know what time. It involves a rather attractive male, and my #reasonswhyimsingle self. Naturally. Can’t let out normal Courtney, can we?

Anyway, I’d definitely had one too many, I’d been dancing around like a jerk all night, being an idiot – which some men may find endearing because I’m totally going ~against the grain~ and not ~adhering to the norms~ of trying to dance like I know what I’m doing.*
There was a guy I knew mutually through friends and it was pretty common knowledge that I thought he was an A-Class babe, so that night I had somehow worked up all of my courage that I had ever gained in my life, and chickened out.
I don’t quite remember how, but the next moment I remember we were attached at the face. Hands everywhere, our lips became best mates and man, were they having a very involved time.

The part that made this night add itself to the infamous list, is what happened after he let me go, with a wry smile on his face and my cheeks flushing a crimson cabernet – I did a victory dance.

That is no joke, ladies and gentlemen, I turned around, faced my friends and did a victory dance with all the gusto that I had left in my body after this hunk of a human had sucked my breath out of my lungs. A fucking fingers-pointing-in-the-air, thrusting-crotch, yelling “FUCK YES, I FINALLY KISSED ******” victory dance.

That, my dear readers, is why I am single.
But hey, this might mean that I’ll find my own Nick Miller.

*I do know what I’m doing when I dance, I was a dancer for six years. I just prefer to not give a shit.

Courtney Fry is a Media & Communications/Journalism graduate who spends her down time slaying chicks on the roller derby track and selling her soul for forbidden donuts. She is the other founder of BULLSH!T and you can follow her #reasonswhyimsingle hashtag here.

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