An Open Letter to: My Neighbour

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BY ALICE ANTONOV

Dear C,

We’ve had you as a neighbour since we moved here in October 2010. You’re pretty friendly (always a bonus) but you make the absolute worst neighbour. First of all, I now understand why the old residents of our house didn’t let you renovate: it saved them two years’ worth of sleepless mornings.

You’ve had construction on your house going on for close to two years now – and there still seems to be a crapload of renovations to finish. Either you’ve hired the slowest, laziest workmen or you just like waking us all up at 7am sharp every damn day. Possibly you are this sadistic.

Another thing – how deaf are you? From November to January, I had to listen to Michael Bublé’s Christmas album six times, Bruno Mars’ album twice and don’t even get me started on the opera. I’ve asked you twice to keep it down but that only lasts a week. The only music I enjoyed listening to was Duffy – you don’t play her enough. Concerning another source of noise: you. I love Saturdays and Sundays because that means I get to sleep in till 11 or 12. Only, who’s that at 8am talking to some builder or the neighbour two doors down? Oh, it’s you. I have gotten so sick of your voice.

It’s always pleasant to have someone ringing the doorbell at 8pm on a Tuesday evening. Not. Stop coming around to our house to get us to sign off on shit. I can’t believe how much paperwork there is to do just to redo your damn house. Man, I wish my parents had told you to bugger off when you asked us if it was okay to renovate your house. In fact, I wish the old tenants had warned us about you!

It’s ironic how on one side we have you and on the other we have these three absolutely lovely Chinese girls who don’t bother us at all. They smile at us and wave and one of them is always wearing her PJs. They keep their front garden tidy and I don’t think we’ve ever heard any loud noise coming from them. They’re moving out though, so I’m hoping that a family with a hot son will move in so I can invite myself over during the summer to chill in their pool.

Does anyone else have absolutely shit neighbours? Anyone you really just want to slap with a chair? Go on and tell me in the comments below. I know we all love a good whinge!

Alice is a first year Media & Comm. student at UOW and spends her time falling in love with fictional boys and wishing that she lived in any other world but this one. Follow her on Twitter and Tumblr.

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