BY ALYCE WEARNE
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a guy will, at some point in his life, go on a date and fuck it up.
Now, now, don’t let that bruise your ego, my testosterone-fueled males. This isn’t an attack. Females get it wrong all the time (hence why we’ve got another cheeky advice article RIGHT HERE about how us ladies can improve on the dating scene). This isn’t an expert preaching to her (totally-devoted) choir. This is simply a compilation of handy tips that will (hopefully) earn you the crown of “dating god” and “coffee Adonis”.
1. Playing Hard-to-get is a Dirty Myth
The first important thing to establish in the world of dating is this: playing hard to get is a myth. Males seem to assume that if a girl says “I’m not interested”, she’s actually screaming “CHASE ME CHASE ME!” Let me assure you, she’s not. Read the signs: if she’s said “no” to coffee more than three times, if she’s not replying to your messages, if she’s hooking up with someone else, if she has a boyfriend: chances are she’s actually just not interested. Take a hint.
Girls are pretty good at letting you know when they are interested. Think suggesting coffee, returning calls, and saying this like “Yes, I would love to go to coffee with you.” If you’re receiving such enthusiasm; good for you! Proceed to “Go” and collect $200.
2. Learn how to speak.
You would think that this would seem like a fairly obvious point, right? Wrong. Never over-estimate the power of using your mouth to make noise, as opposed to staring intently into your coffee and allowing us to word-vomit our way through the most awkward hour of our lives.
Similarly, it’s time to get intimately acquainted with this crazy thing called “listening”. It’s scientifically proven to reduce the amount of awkward laughing on a first date.
Very simply: it’s called a conversation for a reason: we talk, you respond; you talk, we respond. Do not go on a date and sit there, open-mouthed, salivating. I do that every night with the cardboard cut-outs of Ryan Gosling in my room. As much as I wish I could say it was a date, it’s not- it’s just really awkward. So invest in the use of your ears and vocal chords. Works like a charm, every time.
3. Keep it Simple.
As with every rule, there are always exceptions- but if you’re interested in a girl, keeping it simple is always a good place to start. We’re not asking for you to take us to a $$Bill restaurant, or skydiving… Coffee is fine. In saying that, don’t take it to the other extreme and assume we’ll be blown away with a 30-cent cone from Macca’s.
4. Maximize your normalness.
It’s really not that difficult to come across as a normal human being. For maximum normalness, keep the following to a minimum:
a) Cheesing: “If I could re-arrange the alphabet….” Yadyada, not going to work, pumpkin.
b) Sleazing: Stop staring at our tits. You’re not as subtle as you think you are.
c) Teasing: To clarify, this word holds different meanings for each gender. Guys assume that “teasing” is some kind of annoyingly-sexy game we play to get your attention when don’t intend to follow through. For girls, it’s when you show up on a date and insult us the whole time.
In case you didn’t figure it out in Kindergarten, throwing worms at us in the sandbox does not equate to “oh hey, he must really like me.” Insults are not going to bring us back for more.
5. Nice Guys don’t finish last (and if they do, it’s not because they’re nice)
Nice guys do not finish last. In fact, most girls would love a nice guy. If a girl is not interested, it has very little to do with your level of “niceness”, and probably a lot more to do with any of the following (real) examples:
a) You can’t stop talking about your snake
b) Your Mum controls your entire life
c) You’re 30 years old and still living with your parents
Letting down a nice guy is actually really hard. So don’t assume you’re being shrugged off because you’re not an asshole. Most of the time, it’s nothing personal (unless you’re living with your parents at 30. Then it probably is).
Keep calm, read the signs, and brush your teeth- and you’ll be well on the way to minty-fresh dating success.
Alyce Wearne is a fourth year journo student at UOW, intern at MTV and all round lover of CAPS LOCK. She also has a rabbit called Kanye. You can read more of her ramblings here.