Why I’d be an amazing father


Fact: I say dumb stuff, and a lot of it. It’s not unintelligible – I do think before I say. The only difference between me and the rest of the world is my speech is generally uninhibited. Strangely, people often use my tomfoolery against me, claiming it proof of my inability to one day be a responsible father. Firstly, let me say puh-lease! That’s a pretty loose link with zero evidence of a causal relationship. But secondly, if I was a father (heaven forbid) I’d be nothing but a class act. I’m full of insight, trivia and morals of the highest standard. Just like the time I conducted a psychological self-examination, I’m going to prove my paternal aptitude with the help of Twitter.

I’m very concerned about the influence of popular culture on children.

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I made this remark upon discussing One Direction, who spend their time singing about their obsession for girls with “one thing.” I don’t know what this ‘thing’ is, but I can only assume it’s inappropriate for young ladies. So I stand by my comment – Satan would be a better role model.

In times of need, I offer sage-like wisdom.

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The teenage years are an emotional rollercoaster. Awful stuff, such as the sombre end of Survivor, will cause them anguish. I will get them through it.

I will only settle for the noblest of values.

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Too many people go through life not appreciating what they have. Not only will I force my children to eat the freshly sacrificed carcass of a beast, but I will make them hunt it first. After experiencing such danger, they’ll begin to appreciate their own lives too.

After a bee has sex, it dies, so…

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With the combined genes for Emma Watson and yours truly, my hypothetical son will be a stunner, maybe even an Adonis. Yes, he’ll be such a catch that his seed should fill the world, but not before he’s of legal age. After that, it’s game on.

Accuracy is my highest priority.

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I’m not like the Telstra dad at all – everything I say is backed up by years of literature. If you’re not familiar with daggering, you need to watch this amazing documentary. Dancing will never be the same. Nor will life.

I would do anything for them.

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My kids want a dog? Done. It’s rare and/or already has an owner? That’s just too bad for them. They don’t call me “Da Sneak” for nothing. I want my kids to have everything they could dream of and know that the world is their oyster.

I learnt from the best.

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I know, awesome right?

Vincent Varney is a Sydney-based writer who, while perfectly capable of parenting, is freaked out by kids. Their limbs are way too squishy. You can follow him on Twitter @VincentVarney


One thought on “Why I’d be an amazing father

  1. Pingback: Why I’d be an amazing father | Twenty-Something

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