BY COURTNEY FRY
In light of Kimye (read: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West) naming their baby daughter North West, us over here at Bullsh!t decided to have a bit of a recap of the children of celebrities and their horribly unfortunate names that will attract the best and worst of insults for the rest of their lives.
You all know Jamie Oliver? His beautiful British accent and love for everything food? Well Jamie and wife Jools named their children Poppy Honey, Daisy Boo, Blossom Rainbow and Buddy Bear.
Can you imagine trying to discipline a child and say Daisy Boo angrily? I don’t think it can even come across as disgruntled; the name is too sugary-sweet.
They make me think of children of the rainbow, or maybe Care Bears. Either way, those kids are going to have a great time growing up. Maybe they’ll just swear to never reveal their middle names to their friends.
Sylvester Stallone joined the hippy bandwagon and named his son Sage Moonblood*. Was he projecting for his darling child to be cast as himself in Harry Potter? It does sound like the name of a Divination teacher.
Penn Jillette of Penn & Teller fame named his daughter Moxie CrimeFighter. Yes, really. Penn justified this incredible name, by saying that if she were ever to be pulled over by a police officer, she could exclaim ‘But officer, we’re on the same side. My middle name is CrimeFighter!’
Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden named their kid Sparrow James Midnight, because of the ‘Captain Jack Sparrow connection’. Madden was recently busted with a shitload of weed in his hotel room in Sydney, so we can’t really put it past the fella to agree with this name. The poor boy is going to cop a lot of questions as to why the rum is always gone though.
But back to Yeezus himself, Kanye. I’m a tad disappointed that Kimmy K didn’t override this outrageous name in order to complete the full ‘K-name’ circle and call her Kaidence like we all originally thought.
No, Kanye had to pull out all the stops to make sure that his daughter would not only be the butt of all compass-related jokes, but also struggle with orienteering lessons in her future, and be confused when giving or receiving directions. And what does Mr. West think of himself for doing this?
Let’s not even begin to think about the fateful day when Miss West releases her own perfume line or clothing label.
What are you wearing to this event?
North, by North West.
Where is the supermarket from here?
Which way is One Direction going?
Somebody, stop me.
*Sage Moonblood Stallone sadly passed away last year, and was an actor and director in his own right. He was also dedicated in the preservation of B-Grade and exploitation films, through his company Grindhouse Releasing.
Courtney Fry is a twenty-two year old who will likely call her child ‘Moonstone’ or something peculiar, so she really can’t comment on ridiculous celebrity names. Her daily ramblings and further jokes about Kimye’s baby’s name can be found over at her twitter. She also wishes her middle name was something cool like ‘CrimeFighter’.