By Tahlia Pritchard and Vincent Varney
We may try and avoid it, but unfortunately in life there’s always going to be those situations we really don’t want to be in – and most are followed by horrendously awkward conversations. I’m not talking awkward break up talks, or the sex talk with your parents, but just the unfortunate aspects of life you sometimes just have to battle through.
Two BS contributors thought of the following situations that are really not fun to be caught in. Ever.
Female Perspective (Tahlia Pritchard) –
1. The Doctors Visit:
“Are you sexually active?” / “Is there a chance you may be pregnant?”
Oh doctor, mind your own business. Oh wait, that’s something you have to ask. This question always catches me off guard – particularly when I’m at the doctor battling tonsillitis and sex is actually the last thing on my mind.
“What?” I reply, my voice hoarse, nose runny, eyes barely open.
“Are you sexually active?” The doctor repeats patiently.
With a horrified look on my face I reply “Not at the moment!” while the doctor sighs and rolls her eyes.
Every time I go to the doctor, I get caught off guard by this question and every single time I always say ‘not at the moment.’ You’d think by now I’d learn that the doctor is simply asking if I’ve ever had sex before, not taking an active interest in my sex life (or lack thereof).
Sometimes they ask it differently in the form of ‘Is there a chance you may be pregnant?’ which normally makes me snort with laughter and make an awkward joke about the immaculate conception. Again, something the good old doctor doesn’t really have the patience for.
Following on from this is the dreaded pap smear. Getting a pap smear absolutely sucks, there’s not doubt about that. What do you even do when a stranger is seeing you half naked and about to stick some foreign object into your nether regions? Talk about the weather? Generally I stay fairly silent, but have to bite my tongue a lot at times, especially when they utter phrases like “Just relax!”
I’M SORRY, I FEEL REALLY VULNERABLE RIGHT NOW AND YOU’RE ABOUT TO STICK SOMETHING STRANGE UP MY VAGINA, RELAXING REALLY ISN’T ON MY MIND.
2. The Beautician:
Again, the whole half nude around a stranger thing, while they see a part of you that you normally save for a significant other. Beauticians however when you’re greeting them beaver first, tend to be a lot more chatty compared to doctors. I was getting laser once and the whole time the beautician talked about how she met a guy online and how she was going to Melbourne to meet him soon. ‘I’ll have to get one of these too!’ she laughed, patting my upper leg fondly. Okay this just got too weird and intimate, time to put my pants back on.
3. The ‘I have my period’ talk:
It’s come to my attention boys really hate period talk. Well guys, generally most girls aren’t all that comfortable with telling you they have their period either. The last phrase I want to utter after making out with someone for a while and they want to get a bit more intimate is the whole ‘’Sorry, I’m on my period.’
Except in most cases it comes out like ‘Um, nah, well we can’t do that, because um’ and you just hope they understand what you’re trying to say before awkwardly blurting out ‘period?!’
I’m not going to lie though, there are times I want to play on a boys obvious discomfort and use the terms ‘I’m menstruating’ (and really drag out meeeen-struuuuu-aaaating) or stare him dead in the eye and say ‘I’m bleeding. From my vagina.’
This is yet to happen however.
My biggest problem with bra-fitters is most of them seem to actually have no idea what they’re doing. I normally try to avoid them at all costs after one scenario where I picked up a handful of bras to try on, and a worker stopped me. ‘Oh honey, you won’t need that size, that’ll be far too big for you!” she simpered condescendingly. Sorry strange woman, I feel like I may just know the size of my own boobs better than you. And sure enough her recommendations were no where close to fitting. “You’re tiny, you just didn’t look that big!” she tried to explain later. Stop talking. Please. Just stop.
Male perspective (Vincent Varney) –
5. Meeting her father:
Dads are generally more protective of their daughters than their sons, solely responsible for determining which love interests will live to see another day. Meeting your girlfriend’s dad requires a delicate approach – you don’t want to seem arrogant, nor feeble. Was your handshake too forceful? Dead. Too weak? Dead (resulting from your crushed hand). Did you wrap your arm too low down her waist? Dead. Too high? Dead. Did you accidentally make eye contact? Dead.
It’ll almost make you want to keep your relationship a secret, but as I’ve realised, that’s equally stressful. Years ago, I asked an at-the-time girlfriend if I’d get killed if her dad caught us making out. She closed her eyes, breathed deeply and chillingly whispered, “yes.”
6. Buying condoms:
Buying condoms was far more awkward back when they were tailor-made, but today’s golden era of contraceptives poses its own challenges. Namely, why must every supermarket cashier be 14 or 70? The innocent girl scanning the box, used to non-threatening boys named Niall Horan, can never shake the terror in her eyes. As for the elderly woman, I just know she’ll call her granddaughters afterwards to warn them about a man of my description.
You also need to be mindful of what you purchase alongside the condoms, otherwise you might look like a sexual deviant. I’ve learned from experience that even though you have a gig tomorrow night and your girlfriend is staying over, you’ll still look creepy when you go to the counter holding condoms and a 9V battery.
7. Urinal conversations:
Unlike some of the other awkward situations, urinal chats happen weekly (if not daily), yet most guys are never at home with it. Filling a basin with bodily waste isn’t uncomfortable and neither is conversing, but put the two together and it’s another story. In a urinal chat, it’s common courtesy to avoid eye contact, meaning you can’t think of conversation topics based on the other guy’s appearance because you have no clue what they look like. So what do you talk about? The only thing you know you have in common is that you both have penises. Most men are unlikely to pursue such a conversation point with a random, so painful small talk is the only other option.
8. Prostate examination:
Luckily, most guys can sleep easy for their first 40-50 years and not worry about this one. But remember – for every second that passes, you’re ever so closer to the fateful day. Seeing as I can’t offer any personal anecdotes for this one, I’m just going to offer some food for thought: Maybe men aren’t scared of prostate exams because they’re so invasive… Maybe they’re scared they’ll like it?