BY HARRISON CARTWRIGHT
Print out this list. Fold into your wallet. See how many you can get through in a week. You’ll be surprised. And probably a little devastated as well.
- Bank account hits single digits
- Entire week of fitness and #cleaneating ruined by one booze-filled night and several kebabs
- Internalise groaning when asked why you’re still single.
- Ditch a fun night out with friends for an ill-informed adventure in promiscuity
- Still tasting tequila 24 hours later
- Knocked back from an unpaid internship for “lack of experience”
- HECS debt soars to roughly what you hope to earn in the space of a year of full-time employment
- Something breaks in your shitty car that will cost a fortnights pay to fix.
- “Why the fuck is this my major?”
- A grey hair!
- Beloved childhood pet passes away from old age
- “I know that, logically speaking, everyone here is at least 18, but why are these people I knew as 12 year olds at this club?”
- Parents start talking about investment properties. To You.
- Drop subtle hints to customers at your service or retail job that you do actually have grander plans for life.
- “WHY ARE THEY SO SUCCESSFUL THAT’S NOT FAIR”
- Birthday cards from relatives with no money in them.
- Drunken nostalgic discussions that reposition High School as six years of absolute glory.
- “I’m taking a vow of celibacy”
- “I’m taking a vow of sobriety”
- Health insurance payments.
- Insurance payments of any kind, really.
- The awkward “we went to school together but didn’t care for each either much so when we pass in the street let’s simply nod in acknowledgement and move on with our heads down” moment.
- “What do you mean it’s been nearly 15 years since the 90’s?”
- Genuine threat to boycott Facebook if one more couple celebrate their 8-month anniversary
- 1am, alone in the darkness with nothing but your thoughts.
If you somehow manage to tick all these boxes, then go get yourself a drink. Or several. You’ve earned it.
Article by Harrison Cartwright, a chronic list-maker. Follow him on Twitter here.