BY VINCENT VARNEY
My life changed the other night. I’d gotten home late and I needed to be up early the next morning, so I intended on doing what any reasonable person would do and hit the hay ASAP. But as I brushed my teeth, staring tiredly into the mirror and half-listening to the hum of the television a few rooms away, a small but playful voice grabbed my attention.
It was Alana Haim.
She and her sisters, who together are LA pop trio Haim, were guest programming Rage. Without hesitation, I dropped my toothbrush and dashed to the television. As I ran, the toothpaste oozed from my mouth as if I was frothing over Alana. I must have looked like a madman, and needless to say, I postponed that much needed sleep.
I’m not too proud of my behaviour that night, but there’s something more troubling than my rabid appearance: Have I developed a teenage crush? Not a crush on a teenager – she’s 21, mind you – but one of those obsessive, life absorbing (and perhaps ruining) crushes that teenage girls have for celebrities. And if so, is this just the beginning of some crazed conduct.
I don’t want to add fuel to the ‘men are emotionally unprepared’ fire, but I have no clue what to do. All I know is that teenage girls have it tough. I’m not saying that all teenage girls are obsessive about boys, nor am I saying that teenage boys are incapable of acting the same. Simply, when I was a teen, my obsessions were Seinfeld and the music of Red Hot Chili Peppers – things that would never leave me. If only I’d had a crush on Taylor Hanson or Robert Pattinson or Justin Bieber…
This isn’t my first crush on a musician, but it’s the first serious one. All those times I tweeted Taylor Swift? Jokes. Let’s be clear: I’m not in love with Alana. I just think about her everyday, get genuinely saddened by the thought of not marrying her, and I’m on the brink of bursting into tears whenever she’s not around (read: always).
I’ve tried telling myself that we probably won’t end up together, but my voice always cuts out half way. If I accept our lives as separate, then I don’t deserve her. Alana is a talented musician, an adorable dancer, incredibly friendly and utterly gorgeous. She deserves someone who will give her all their energy, and if that means writing poems about her in a diary and kissing a poster of her before bed, then so be it.
Here’s the fact: I can’t change how I feel. So rather than attempt to come to terms with the Atlantic that lies between us, we’ll all have to come to terms with the crazy teen girl behaviour that will likely take over the rest of my year.
If you find me spending an entire week’s pay on Alana Haim merchandise, please call the bank and ask them to lower my daily purchase limit. If Alana starts seeing another man and I start mailing him death threats, just make sure they’re anonymous. If I try my luck as a male groupie, money for bail would be appreciated.
And if you wind up wondering if I should be committed, know that it could be much worse. I once read about a 28-year-old woman who was holding out on her first kiss because she wanted it to be from Robert Pattinson.
Sorry, Alana, but that ship has sailed.