Who doesn’t enjoy a good drink or ten every now and then? Introducing the 8 stages of being drunk.
1) The reason for drinking:
Chances are if you’re planning to get drunk, you have a reason for it. It could be a rough day at work, a really shitty break-up, a friends birthday or perhaps it’s as simple as having the next day off work. You can always find a reason somewhere to validate the fact you’re going to drink the number of standard drinks recommended in a week, in one night instead.
2) The buzz:
A few drinks down and you’re loosening up. You may be sharing stories with friends in an over-excited loud voice, music’s being played, alcohol is flowing and everyone is having an all round good time.
3) Everything right now is a REALLY good decision:
Soon you’re blurting out stories and secrets of sexual escapades and potential illegal activites, and of COURSE it’s a good idea to drunk text that person you told yourself you wouldn’t!
Instead of using one or two shots a glass for the vodka you’re drinking, you’re making it a nice 50-50 mix…tastes delicious. Plus look at you in the mirror, you big babe! Of course that outfit you thought looked hideous sober looks awesome on you now! Throw on a bit more lipstick, it’s not on your teeth or anything. You are SO going to pick up tonight! Snapchat that boy right now too, that’s also a really good idea!
4) The extreme emotions stage:
Suddenly you’re in tears because your outfit makes you look fat, your hair isn’t working or you just found something in life to be really depressed about, like Zayn from One Direction being engaged. Weirdly enough you didn’t even know you liked One Direction or felt so passionately about Zayn until just now. Now you’re blubbering into your drink while your friends reassure you. ‘Nah babe, you’re beautiful! Seriously, you won’t be a single cat lady for life! No, no your eyeliner is fine, it’s so not halfway down your face!’
5) Time to party like it’s 1999:
I’m not sure how people partied in 1999 because I was 9, but I assume it was as raging as a S Club party. Now it’s time to hit the town and have an awesome time. You ask the taxi-driver how his night has been because you’re so polite and friendly, and ask him if he likes being a taxi-driver because that’s also highly interesting. You pretend to be sober to the bouncer checking your ID by standing really still (you’re so talented). You enter the club and start scoping out your new activity. Dance floor? Pokies? Drink? Man, the world is your fucking oyster!
6) I am Beyonce, look at me dance!
Time to shake that booty. You look so hot right now. Seriously. Why aren’t you one of Beyonce’s back up dancers?
In reality you probably look like this:
7) Denial & bad life decisions:
Nooooo it’s not 3am already. McDonalds time! Swimming in the ocean time! Let’s get half naked and jump in the fountain at the mall! How about we make friends with those people across the road and see what they’re doing now? I totally can eat a McChicken burger, chicken nugget meal and a McFlurry, what are you talking about? Time to take the shoes off, feet are sore. I’ll totally walk home, it’s not that far! You, yes YOU… you’re coming home with me tonight! PIGGY BACK ME PLZ!
8) The hangover:
Time to check the damage on who you texted, where you are, whether your food stayed down and drink a litre of water in one go because you feel like death. Chances are you just want a dementor to come suck out your soul so you can’t feel anything anymore.
Never. Ever. Drinking. Again.
Well not for a day at least.