It is a perpetual struggle. Just when I become addicted to the melody of a song, I make the mistake of listening to the lyrics. Soon, I find myself being dished out A-grade life advice. Apparently, somewhere along the road, I’ve missed the point of life. It’s all about sex, drugs and money by the way. All the sex and all the drugs and lots and lots of money.
Music is a part of everyone’s daily life in some capacity. At some stage, most of us unwittingly find ourselves able to recite almost every lyric of songs we’ve heard on the radio. Even if we hate the song. But let’s face it, if I boycotted music with offensive lyrics, my musical diet would closely resemble that of a strict (musical) vegan. Maybe I should just get over crude lyrics and enjoy the beat of a song if it tickles my fancy. However, whilst crude lyrics may not actively affect our opinions, you have to question how much of an unconscious imprint these words have upon society when repeated over and over again, every day. A five year old was singing ‘Talk Dirty to me’ at work the other day. Yeah, that happened.
Therefore, I’ve taken the liberty of interpreting popular song lyrics because that’s how I chose to spend my night after work. The lessons are either hilarious or scary. I can’t decide. What do you think?
Rihanna – Dollar Bills
“Strippers goin’ up and down that pole/ And I still got my money/ Four o’clock and we ain’t going home/ Cause I still got my money/ Money make the world go round/ I still got my money…Lot more where that came from/ I still got my money/ The look in yo eyes I know you want some/ I still got my money.”
“I’m paying for strippers because I’m such a guy’s gal like that. But I still have heaps of money. It’s late at night and I haven’t even spent all my money because I’m super rich. No really, I have heaps. Like, a lot. I can tell you want to have lots of sex with me because I have so much money. (I’m rich btw)”
Guys, the richer a girl is, the hotter she is.
Girls, if you throw your money around, guys will be super impressed and have sex with you. It doesn’t count if people don’t know about it.
Feeling Myself – Will.i.am ft Miley Cyrus
“I don’t need your brains, I need my ass kissed…We got papers, bottles, mollies all this let’s get it started/ The bigger the bill, the bigger you ball/ the bigger the watch, the bigger the car, the bigger the star. The bigger the chain the farther you go, you already know the bigger the bank, that’s more hoes, ni**a.”
“Women don’t impress me with intelligence, they just need to tell me I’m a special snowflake. We have heaps of drugs so let’s take them all at once because it seems like a clever thing that a rich guy would do. When you have fancy possessions, people will respect you more as a man. But we all know that how much money you have directly relates to how many promiscuous women will screw you.”
Guys, you should screw women in order to feel better about yourself. If you take lots of drugs and buy lots of fancy crap, chicks will dig it. But remember, with women, it’s quantity over quality.
Girls, don’t bore men with conversation. Use your words to flatter him until you feel worthy.
Yeah! – Usher ft Ludacris
“I left the Jag and I took the Rolls, if they ain’t cutting then I put em on foot patrol/ How you like me now, when my pinky’s valued over three hundred thousand/ Lets drank you the one to please, Ludacris fill cups like double D’s/ Me and Ush once more and we leave ’em dead, we want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed to say ‘yeah!’.”
“I have two expensive cars but I brought the more expensive of the two. Nonetheless, if you’re not super hot you can walk, bitch. Other guys think better of me because I’m rich. Let’s get this chick so wasted that her standards are low enough to think I’m awesome. By the way, nice tits, babe. As much as we want you to do depraved things to us, we want your body and sexuality to be viewed by us alone.”
Guys, make sure your possessions indicate your wealth and you flash them in public. Don’t be afraid to use your possessions as a sexual bargaining tool.
Girls, men want you to behave with decorum and self respect. But only in public. For other people.
Blurred Lines – Robyn Thicke, Ft Pharrell
“OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you/ But you’re an animal, baby it’s in your nature/ Just let me liberate you/I hate these blurred lines/ I know you want it/ I know you want it/ I know you want it/ But you’re a good girl/ The way you grab me/ Must wanna get nasty/ Go ahead, get at me……I’m a nice guy, but don’t get it if you get with me.”
“You were once monogamous, but deep down you like lots of sex with different people. Forget ambition, liberation comes in the form of me screwing you. I don’t like that I’m not immediately granted permission to have sex with you when I assume that you will eventually say yes anyway. You appear coy, but your body language suggests that I’ve got you wrapped around my finger. I swear I’m a good dude, but don’t expect me to treat you with the respect that a good guy would give you.”
Guys, all women really prefer the bad boy deep down, don’t bother treating them nicely because they’ll just leave you for a sex maniac.
Girls, it’s sexier if you pretend you don’t want to sleep with someone first, but you’ll only truly gain male approval when you give in. But don’t expect sex and respect to be synonymous.
Well, that should be sure to clear up any deep, existential questions you had about life. You’re all welcome.