It’s our favourite holiday of the year – a day dedicated to giving excessive volumes of chocolate to people in the hopes you’ll receive even more in return. It’s also the only time of the year that it’s socially acceptable to spend more than $40 on chocolate in one transaction. High spirits on this day can only be dampened by the lactose intolerant or those those untrustworthy people who claim that they “don’t have a sweet tooth”. Let them “enjoy” a jar of olives whilst we gorge ourselves on chocolate until we throw up. Then tell us who is the happier person.
In the true spirit of the holidays, BULLSH!T are here to help you decide how to celebrate the official day of chocolate appreciation. We guarantee that these gifts will not only increase your endorphin levels, but also raise your body fat percentage by at least 20% in 24 hours. We like those odds!
An Egg vibrator
This fun, seasonally themed gift is sure to surprise your lover and keep you both guessing. If you’re too afraid of the contents, they make a nice post modern decoration for one’s home.
A bunny costume
Break the mould! Don’t settle for buying your lady a Playboy bunny costume. Get creative – make one that expresses who you really are. Have your embryos frozen
Surprise your man. It’s cute, it’s subtle, it’s egg themed. Guaranteed to get him to finally commit.
If you forgot about Easter:
An egg from your fridge Take a cold egg from your refrigerator and tell them it was a caged egg and you’re setting it free. Ask them to cook it for you. Have an easter egg ‘hunt’
Just because you didn’t hide any eggs doesn’t mean you can’t get highly offended when they “don’t look hard enough”.
Egg their house
It’s the most seasonally themed hate crime possible. They won’t even be mad, they will be impressed. A thousand year old Chinese egg (or an off egg from your cupboard)
Get really offended and shout that they’re a racist if they don’t like the gift. Make a dramatic exit. Carob
Reserved for your worst enemies only. There’s a reason they sell it as “dog chocolate”. It would make you no better than the people who eat jars of olives for personal enjoyment. If you and your loved ones haven’t tried everything on the list, you’re culturally insensitive and you’ve been doing Easter wrong.
WORDS BY Cyndall McInerney, a young woman who still carries the emotional scars of being given carob every year from the Easter Bunny.