If good things come to those who wait, then why is life so short? Will our pasts even be worth reminiscing if we’re always preoccupied with the future?
Fact: No one knows how long they’ve got. Why spend your teens or your twenties or your thirties worrying about whether this bucket will hold enough or that bucket’s strong enough or wondering if you should have bought the other one. You need to cherish these years before you kick the bucket. By relieving your bucket-related stresses, you’ll have more time to follow your true desires, which is why BULLSH!T has put together this handy buyer’s guide to the best buckets the market has to offer.
Disclaimer: This is BULLSH!T’s bucket list. Our pail list is coming soon.
For the cash conscious: QiQ-Tidy 14 Litre Galvanised Bucket ($23.50)
Don’t splurge on a new bucket for every occasion – get some serious bang for your bucket! QiQ-Tidy’s latest innovation in the bucket space can endure the rough and tumble of the workplace whilst also being reliable around the home. It’s kid-friendly too, so li’l Timmy can play without fear of choking and dying. This 14 litre godsend is made of galvanized steel, meaning you’ll never need to have it serviced for the lifetime of the product. Wave goodbye to those troublesome extended warranties! Get yours here.
For the family: KFC Super Variety Bucket ($31.95)
What better way to celebrate a hard day’s work than with a feast the whole family can enjoy? Packing six pieces of the Colonel’s delicious Original Recipe Chicken, six Crispy Strips, six Kentucky Nuggets, a Maxi Popcorn Chicken, two large chips, a large drink and an assortment of tasty dipping sauces, the Super Variety Bucket will satisfy in a way only southern hospitality can. Sure KFC has been accused of white supremacy in the past, but with grub this good, you’ll wonder why didn’t join the cause sooner. Available here.
For the shamefully clumsy: Oates 12L Translucent Rectangular Window Clean Bucket ($7.45)
Tired of forgetting what you put in your bucket? Or spilling the contents entirely, only to be jeered and ridiculed by your peers? With Oates, your bucket-induced fears are a thing of the past! The translucent exterior allows for a slightly blurry view inside the bucket so you can make a rough guess as to its contents. Plus, the ergonomic handles were “designed for people”, meaning even those with the slipperiest hands or feeblest grips can keep ahold. Purchase yours today.
For the rockers: Kings Of Leon’s ‘The Bucket’ ($3.39)
Ranked #4 on Australian Bucket and Living’s ‘Best Bucket Anthems Of The Decade’and featured on countless bucket compilation CDs, the eponymously named hit by Kings Of Leon is a nostalgic trip, recalling how a hasty transition into adulthood can be eased with help from a steadfast and emotionally-stable companion: presumably the trusty bucket. The raspy and untamed vocals of Caleb Followill lend to the imagery of a brash and foolhardy youth, creating a song that you and your bucket and can easily relate to. Download now.
For the innovators: Square Heavy Duty Plastic Bucket Blue 12L ($2.98)
Buckets with a single pouring spout are so 1896! This Heavy Duty Plastic Bucket takes the classic design and add a modern twist – two pouring spouts; on one each side. How a person could pour from both spouts at once, or why they would need to, isn’t clear, but as with all new technology, the manufacturer will likely fix the kinks in an upcoming software update. Also, the bucket’s “black handle” is used a selling point. Technology has sure come a long way. The future is here.
VINCENT VARNEY is BULLSH!T’s resident bucket enthusiast and a regular guest on the popular podcast, ‘The buck starts here’. Follow him on Twitter.