There are many reasons that compel young people to travel. Exploring a new culture, trying new things, challenging ourselves or most importantly, avoiding FOMO when everyone else checks-in overseas. It’s almost the Winter holidays, so with our “#blessed” hashtags at the ready, many Australians are preparing to escape the inhumane temperatures of below 15 degrees Celsius and explore the world. So begins the exciting opportunity to log our entire journey online and come back with just as little knowledge, understanding and patience as when we left.
Whether it’s your first time travelling overseas, or if you’re just not a well-seasoned Facebook traveller, BULLSH!T have got you covered for your holiday. Follow these simple steps to guarantee that you will return from your holiday with an air of superiority – without having changed a bit!
1. Check in at the airport’s International Departure sign and accompany the photo with an aspirational status about beginning a journey or suffering from wanderlust. Always quote Tolkien; “Not all those who wander are lost.”
2. Arrive at your destination and sit for half an hour in the arrivals lounge trying to find wifi so that you can see how many people have liked your International Departure check-in.
3. If you’ve just broken up with a significant other, include a passive aggressive Instagram post about “new beginnings” and “leaving the past behind”.
4. Begin with the attitude that everything about your nation is uncultured, and promptly delete all your KUWTK Foxtel history on an intellectual whim.
5. Wait around 5 days before you start becoming “homesick” for all the people and things you just made fun of. Stream KUWTK on your phone when you find Starbucks.
6. Don’t attempt to speak the native language unless you’re writing it on a postcard to your ignorant friends and family back home or you’re captioning a photo of a croissant.
7. Get a tattoo in the native language to suggest that you’re a carefree, fun-loving nomad who lives only in the moment.
8. Don’t try any of the native cuisine. Stand in front of your friend’s plate or steal their wine glass and take a selfie. Now you finally understand what Aladdin meant when he sang “A whole new world”.
9. Only speak to new people if you’re white girl/boy wasted in a club or on a tour-organised pub crawl – and only if they speak English well. Ain’t nobody got time for anyone too foreign.
10. Definitely don’t speak to your foreign friends again when you’re sober. But make sure you add them on Facebook after taking a few drunken photos. When you return home, start calling them your “<Insert destination> family”.
12. Don’t go inside monuments, castles, buildings or museums unless they’re free and/or they have souvenirs.
13. Spend 20 minutes getting a stranger to retake photos of you and your friending pulling a stupid pose in front of a classic photo spot. Become irritated by people waiting to do the same.
14. Take lots of hilarious long distance shots so it looks like you’re holding every building up.
15. If you do go inside a museum, use your camera flash at every opportunity, then play dumb when people yell at you for it.
16. Purposely overuse Australian slang really loudly in public to get people’s attention for being a special little foreign snow flake.
17. Complain constantly. It is unreasonable that you would have to wait in long lines, get pushed around in crowds, walk long distances or get lost when travelling.
18. Ignore all importance signage, especially if it’s in English. “Don’t touch the monkeys”? Screw them – touch all the endangered monkeys and be outraged when they try to maul you.
19. Go out of your way to find a McDonalds or an international fast food chain and dine there when you “miss the familiarities of home”.
20. When you return home, repost photos every few weeks saying “take me back”, “missing my second home” or “Who’s up for trip number 2?!”
You are now officially prepared to be a tourist. Go forth and destroy everything in your path.
WORDS BY CYNDALL MCINERNEY who has never left a 10km radius outside her house, she just likes the idea of travel because she wants more Instagram followers. Check out her other articles here.