It’s usually a haven for cups, half-finished books and dusty lamps, but our bedside tables seem to speak more about ourselves and our identities than we ever imagined. Where some like to use it as a place to chuck all the important stuff from the day – jewellery, glasses, watches, money – some prefer to make it a pristine environment representing the depths of their culture and intelligence. Others just use it as another flat surface to pile shit on.
Here are some of the bedside tables of BULLSH!T staff. See if you can pick who’s who.
Half-drained cups of tea, an array of books, photography film, an alarm clock, and some kind of plant in a finished bottle of spiced rum. Are we in the Inner West? A well-read, hypochondriac (or someone with poor immune system), who doesn’t believe in the obnoxious alarm that iPhones have. Those half-finished mugs either signify a poor relationship with committing to see things through, or just a really crappy memory of ‘did I make a cup of tea? Eh, better make another anyway’. What even is that leafy thing in the rum bottle? I thought those were just the extra bits on the side to make bouquets bigger so the florist can charge you stupid amounts for five flowers and half a shrub.
This one has a collection of popular culture and video game paraphernalia. Along with a decent bottle of single malt scotch and a tube of something nondescript. Oh god, get your mind out of the gutter, reader. This particular individual thinks that showing off their prized possessions is the main feature of a bedside table. Maybe they use the sonic screwdriver or pokéball for elaborate sexual roleplaying? Maybe they don’t. There’s an Eiffel Tower hidden in there, so the most I can gather is this particular person likes to get drunk, watch XMen and fantasise about running away to Europe where they can open up a bar dedicated solely to single malts and cosplay.
This particular person isn’t fooling anyone. No matter how many bottles of water you leave on your bedside table, along with an elegantly dishevelled set of headphones, you can’t show how much exercise you do. If anything, you’re just telling everyone that ‘yes, I have to get up multiple times every night to pee because I am the ONLY person ever that gets my recommended 2L of water per day.’ Seriously, this person’s piss must be as clear as the springs that they get the bloody water from. Also how do you even get into that top drawer without a handle? Are you a wizard? A urine sorcerer?
This one is great. IDs scattered from the last time they stumbled home at 4am, candle lamp to help navigate them down to the dungeons to feed the prisoners, a highlighter in case they read something utterly profound in the book they’re pouring over. Bottle opener for when the day is too shit to start so they just drink beer in bed. A sock to wank in. Does this person even need to leave their bedroom, let alone their bed? Probably not. All you need is some kind of food device, or a bell to tingle when you need feeding. Don’t bother with a chamber pot, I’m sure the scent of 14 year old boy that is in that Lynx can will mask the smell.
A prime example of the minimalist. Only the important, necessary stuff is on this bedside. This person only needs their book, their charger, a glass of water, a lamp, paw paw ointment for late-night lip service and every necklace that they own. Showing off how ‘de-cluttered’ and ‘eccentric’ they are, while flaunting their financial prowess with all the pretty jewels they own. No alarm clock means they either have an exceptional body clock which wakes them up at 6am in time for their yoga class and semi soy double shot mocha latte with a dollop of honey, or they use their phone like the rest of us plebs. I wonder if they actually read that book, or spend hours in bed scrolling through their Instagram, hoping someone will like the latest post they put up of themselves relaxing on an exotic beach last week because they’ve got that kind of money.
Crystals, rings, a lamp, and a pen. What are you, some kind of hippy? This person obviously believes in the power of crystal healing and energies and all that flimsy stuff. What better way to use your sacred bedside table than to stick a bunch of pretty rocks on? The bedside itself isn’t in the best shape either – probably second hand or ‘repurposed’, as the trendy types call it these days. No need for medication for this individual, stick that blue rock up your nose and the pointy orange one in your ear, and you’ll be cured. The pen, I’m guessing, is there so you can write down any spells or potion mixed you come up with in your lucid dreams while you burn incense to evoke the creative spirits within. Why do you even have a lamp? Do you believe in electricity? Apart from looking like serene, this bedside tells us nothing about the individual other than they collect pretty rocks.
Let us know who you think owns each bedside in the comments.
Words by COURTNEY FRY, who used to use her bedside table as a place to stick her gum. She also used to watch Matilda too much and had no care for bedside hygiene.