Becoming unfathomably wealthy was so easy, I did it before I was even born.

Whenever I turn on my massive 85-inch television, I hear someone complain about interest rate rises because their mortgage is “high enough as it is”, or maybe a bunch of people will be rallying because they “won’t survive” if their benefits are cut. I’ve got a solution for these people: just be rich! It’s not that hard, I mean, I did it before I even left the womb.

Despite today’s technological advancements, the capacity to watch stocks, source new clientele and tell your personal assistant to takeover your daily responsibilities is limited at best from fleshy executive office that is the womb, yet I still managed to emerge as part of a household clearing $200K a year.

Maintaining this level of wealth can seem daunting, what with the economy under such duress, and as a baby, I was generally preoccupied with sleeping and sucking on tits, yet not only did my household maintain a high income, that income actually grew over the years! It was too easy! Surely anyone can manage that, right?


Image via Wikipedia

Now, I agree wholeheartedly that the age of entitlement is over. You can’t expect to coast through life and let your parents pay for all your expenses. You need to take initiative and be prepared to work hard to build future wealth, and I did just that. Anyone who knows me will admit that I worked really hard on writing a CV that my dad could distribute throughout his network. Before I knew it, my phone was ringing incessantly with companies wanting to hire me. Clearly they were impressed by my years spent DJing at the Ivy.

I realise that I have an unfair advantage over anyone competing with me for a job. After all, they don’t have all the DJ experience I do. Your best way around that is to grow up and attend school in a privileged area. I honestly can’t articulate how helpful that can be – highly recommended!

I understand that some people get shafted by employers who want to make them do a lot of work for minimal pay, but there’s a really simple fix for that, too: just be male! Studies suggest that being male can increase your pay by as much as a third compared to a woman doing the same work. Being a male also makes you better placed to reach top management positions, meaning the potential for the big bucks is even greater.

Look, I’m a reasonable guy and I know the chances of simply ‘being’ a high income earner are pretty low – I think I heard some phoney-baloney movement call us “the 1 percent” or some crap like that. Luckily, being part of the male club is far easier than that: try 50 percent. Being male is literally as easy as flipping a coin, so if the coin lands female, just flip again.

Furthermore, I’m not going to let my son (no buts) be a trust fund kid who lives off my hard work. He’s going to be a self-made man like his father, so I’m going to make him prove that he deserves his inheritance. If he too can burst from the womb into a high income household, he clearly has what it takes to be successful, and like any loving parent, I’ll support him with all the vast resources I can afford.

Hopefully these tips will find their way to the so-called “less fortunate”. It’ll probably constitute as my philanthropic effort for the year.

Words by VINCENT VARNEY, compassionate entrepreneur and philanthropist.


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