When the words “perfect couple” are uttered anywhere in the world, only one name echoes between the walls. Kimye. Kim and Kanye make Kate and Wills looks like trash covered in bin juice, left out to dry in the sun. The least we can do is crouch humbly in their shadows and imagine that we live in a world where we own a $36,000 earring capable of being lost.
Kimye know that lavish gifts just aren’t the same if the media isn’t waiting with baited breath to find out how much it cost. This week, Kanye was reported to have celebrated Kim’s 34th birthday by presenting her with a Hermes Birkin bag that he let their 16 month old daughter go to town on with a bunch of paint. Which begs the question, why didn’t you think of that?
We’re willing to be realistic. You and your significant other probably don’t roll around in your own wealth, laughing at people who shop at Target. But to prevent you from revealing your embarrassingly middle class status, we’ve put together a financially realistic guide to couple gift giving – inspired by gifts Kanye and Kim have bought for one another.
An 8 foot wall of flowers.
It would be nice to have a giant shrubbery to submerge yourself in when your butler is asking for a pay raise. But if you don’t have a butler, pick up some drywall from your local tip and surprise your partner by nailing it to their back fence. Suggest a Kimye-style impromptu photo shoot under the beautiful new backdrop.
If you selfishly refuse to steal a real car, any of your local toy stores are Bound 2 have a sale on Hot Wheels cars. If you’re buying for your lady, find glitter spray and make her car shed sparkles down the street. If you’re buying for your man, just buy him one large driving sock.
A tiger-striped diamond ring.
This was a “Push Present” from Kanye to Kim when she gave birth to their child, North West. While you probably don’t have $770,000 to splash, you should consider a cheaper alternative, like a real tiger. They’re pretty good with kids.
A hand-painted Hermes bag.
Whilst your lover may consider it “direspectful” to cover their property in paint, for the rich, this is the only way to give someone something they can’t possibly own. For the rest of us who don’t have a wallet or bag to spare, another cute option is to just tag their name on the wall at the train station.
A published book, filled with selfies.
If Penguin Classics refuse to publish your sordid selfies, there are other options. You could buy a selfie pole and take full-length photos of yourself in the depressing bathroom at work. Feel free to incorporate the aforementioned tiger into the shots.
Commissioning an artist to paint your girlfriend in a thong and title it “Perfect Bitch”.
This one isn’t specifically for boyfriends. Ladies, paint a picture of your man in a G-string and title it “God’s Vessel“. If you don’t have a personal artist to call, you could always get their name tattooed across your stomach or forehead in a large, obtrusive font.
If you’re still stuck for gift ideas for your significant other, there’s a strong chance you don’t love your partner (or yourself) enough. This is why you can’t have nice things.
Feature Image: chicagodefender.com