Let’s face it, sometimes Christmas takes more spirit than it gives. It’s not that we don’t love discouraging an old relative’s casual racism over Christmas Turkey. Between the liquor, congregations of people and close quarters, it can get a little bit much.
Butthe biggest lottery of Christmas by far is Secret Santa. Unless you’re lucky enough to get a “good person” in the arbitrary raffle of names, nobody likes Secret Santa. Whether it’s amongst family, friends, colleagues or all three, the archaic process of selecting a ‘KK’ from a bucket of names will determine your stress levels for the holiday season. Except Apple. December is the only time of year that people are desperate enough to think iTunes cards are useful.
So, in the spirit of giving, we have decided to give you the ultimate gift giving guide for your enemies. Or Christmas. Whatever.
The perfect gift for a colleague on a power trip. Nothing brings an inflated ego back to earth like the reminder that they too are a slave to their basic human needs. You also get your own Christmas bonus with this one – they will probably feel too uncomfortable to ever speak to you again.
You can’t technically give annoying children the middle finger in public. Instead – give them chores, masked as fun! The best part is that they will see the gift wrapped under the tree and think they’re getting a new xbox game. Nope. Want pocket money? Rake the metaphysical lawn, kid.
Think “He’s just not that into you” for your girlfriend, “More Joy: an advanced guide to solo sex” for your boyfriend, “99 relationship tips from your canine companion” for your hard working boss and “Why people fail” for your roommate. Nobody can say it’s not a thoughtful present.
Only effective if they’re not given to an elderly male who would probably take this as a sign of genuine interest in his well being. The perfect gift for anyone young and attractive enough to have never considered their nose hair.
If Kim Kardashian can make a book filled with selfies and make it seem like a gift to the world, why can’t you?
The best way to send a life partner mixed messages and mess with them. They’ll spend so much time stressing over whether you’re suggesting they “leave you breathless” or if they’re an “oxygen thief” that the spray can of flavoured oxygen will probably be a useful gift.
What better way to subtly suggest someone dresses poorly than to tell them that Jesus dresses better. Also a great idea for grandparents and elderly relatives who grew up in a time when they were too afraid to wonder what Jesus would look like in a tie dye t-shirt or parachute pants.
Whether you’re giving a gift or drowning your sorrows, we hope that now you feel confident to lift your Christmas spirits!
Feature Image: Warner Brothers.