That formidable chill has crawled its way across our skies and begun to put a dampener on everything we love. The leaves dangle lifelessly from the trees and the colour of the sky is no longer a reason to leave the house – it’s a reason to stay inside.
Brace yourselves. Winter is coming.
We’re not one to experience something mildly discomforting and completely overreact. However, judging by the cold weather this autumn, Australia is in for 3 months of solid hibernation. Let us make like a cult religion; collect our canned food and head into the bunker to prepare for Armageddon.
Here are some constructive tips for how to survive winter.
1. Relentlessly post ‘Throw Back’ pictures of summer
Remember that summer 3 years ago where you looked super hot in that one photo? Make sure everyone else remembers. Repost said photo every 2 weeks with weepy emojis proclaiming that you can’t wait for summer.
2. Make a vow to cut back your visits to the fridge
Opening the fridge doors is like opening the doors to Narnia in a blizzard. Avoid having to open the fridge doors at all costs by ordering take out for every meal. Tweet about how ‘bad’ you’ve been until at least three people tell you you’re skinny.
3. Post a photo of you at Snuggletown with ‘bae’
There’s nothing cuter than a ‘bae caught me sleeping’ post, guaranteed to make you the envy of all of your single friends during cuddle season. Hot tip: watch for mirrors that may reveal you have no bae; you’re just taking selfies with your feet.
4. Take a sabbatical from showering
Peeling your body from the toasty shower and into the chilly abyss of your bathroom is on the shortlist for ‘Most Painful First World Problems’. Those 10 seconds of suffering are only feasible for those whose deodorant supply has completely run out.
5. Develop the social skills of an elderly dog
It’s hard to spend time with your pets when the sun is shining and the beach is calling. But during winter, your pet’s preference for lazing about inside becomes super convenient. Develop an overbearing emotional connection to your pet over winter to help ease the guilt of summer neglect.
6. Take up a hobby, like binge drinking
If you don’t have any personal interests to keep you busy when you’re stuck inside, simply extend your pre-drinking sessions in your cupboard-sized bedroom until 3am. Tis’ the season to pass a goon bag amongst good friends and share a tactical vom.
7. Complain to Facebook about the weather
The only thing better than the morning commute during torrential weather is hearing you bitch about your wet hair. Don’t leave your friends waiting with bated breath to hear how the rain specifically ruined your day. Share it. Find a way to take it out on the government or a minority group.
If you’ve repeated the activities on this list 3 times and winter still isn’t over, we can no longer help you. You’re in winter’s hands now. This too shall pass. Best of luck to you all.
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